It is around 2am and I have been lying in bed for the past 3 hours staring at my bedside table. Nothing is more stressful or frustrating to me than laying in bed waiting for sleep to take over. I silently pray that the sandman will come and guide me to slumberland as fast as he possibly can because goddammit I have a freaking presentation in the morning!!! After I begin to realize that this just isn't working for me, I decide that I need a change of scenery. I quietly crawl out of bed as not to wake my perfectly peaceful prince of a husband who I envy more than Michelle Obama at this juncture. I don't think in the 16 years we've been together that he has had more than a handful of sleepless night. Though I do wish he could relate to my frustrations from lack of sleep, I love him too much to wish this on the love of my life.
I tiptoe downstairs to get a glass of water and grab my Kindle. I decide to finish a book that my girlfriend, Anna has recommended to me (Marrying George Clooney: Confessions of a Midlife Crisis). Seemed oddly appropriate for my current mindset, so I began reading quietly on the couch. As I got a few more pages into it I realize that it is highly ironic that here I am up at an ungodly hour with insomnia reading about a woman who was suffering from menopause and major insomnia. I oddly connect with the writer and think to myself, okay I am not the only person up at 2:47 am fighting with sleep.
As I read, sip, read, sip I realize that I am missing my Ambien. Recently people might relate Ambien to the oversexed Tiger Woods or a pill that people take and end up sleeping with strangers or making a PB&J at midnight only to wake up the next morning and not know what the hell happened?? I of course do not have any dramatic exciting stories about the tiny white tablet only that it was my nighttime friend. My sure thing, go-to, Plan B, always there for a good sleep, pal. Recently, after talking with my husband I decided to not refill my prescription to see how it goes.
I have never been a good sleeper. Even as a kid I never liked to be the last one awake. I always wanted to be talked to sleep by my parents, friends at slumber parties and of course, my poor husband. Nighttime to me is a very lonely time. It's dark, quiet and everyone and thing is turned off to reset for the next day. The time during the night seems to go by in a snap, but if you are awake, alone, it can seem longer than the day. I didn't try Ambien until a few years ago when I was in a very stressful career and my nighttime stress would keep me up. I mean UP!! I would wake up in sweats, heart racing, panic about the next day's work schedule/presentations etc. I needed something to help me get to sleep and keep me asleep. Taking an Ambien made everything quiet and sound.....sleep hits within 15 minutes. Glorious. Most nights sleep would be fine and I wouldn't need my Plan B miracle but when I did need it it was a lifesaver. Good sleep = good mood, alert at work, aware and happy for my family.....happy mama.
I don't like having to rely on something on those tough nights but it does make it more peaceful for me to know I CAN get sleep if I need it. Now, as I power through this decision to tackle my sleep issues the "healthy" way I struggle to decide if saying goodbye to my little white pill was the right decision. I'm now on Night 7 and I am going to keep fighting the war on insomnia. I'll keep you posted on my love/hate relationship with sleep and know you always have a friend up at 2:45am if you need her.
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Insomnia sucks! I'm so sorry you have to deal with it. I'm sure you've tried just about everything. There is a great article on eHow.com with everything from environmental adjustments in the bedroom to herbs and so forth. www.ehow.com/how-to_4845346_cure-your-insomnia.html Not sure it will help at all but maybe there is something in there you haven't tried.
ReplyDeleteHang in there and I'm proud of you for attempting to get through this without the little white miracle pill! xoxo
Thanks, Becca!! xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteHave you ever been tested for sleep apnea?
ReplyDeletehttp://www.webmd.com/sleep-disorders/sleep-apnea/symptoms-of-sleep-apnea
Brittany, fortunately for me most of my sleepless nights are gone (retirement does that to you I think). While I only occasionally find myself unable to get to sleep nowadays, I can tell you the years I worked as a IS manager for Santa Clara County Social Services, I had a LOT of sleepless nights.
ReplyDeleteSome people, especially those in careers where you have a tremendous amounts of responsibility and there are a whole lot of people relying on your judgement, guidance and decision making, deal more frequently with anxiety, night-time panic attacks, etc.
Being able to 'observe you' if you will from the time you were a little girl, one of the characteristics I noticed was your attention to detail, wanting to 'get things right' and worried about making mistakes. You seemed to carry a lot of weight on your shoulders - not necessarily a bad thing but certainly one that tends to, I would think, add to your stress level even to this day.
Soooo......if you didn't already have enough on your plate that you must accomplish during each day, have you ever considered taking yoga classes? Just a thought.....then maybe when you find yourself pacing the kitchen floor at 3 a.m., you can get yourself into a 'different mind set' and bring your anxiety level down through some yoga. Just a thought.....
Of course, not to seem sacreligious or anything, but whenever I couldn't/can't sleep.....I pull out my childhood bible and open it to Genesis. I know - I know - it is only the 1st Chapter - but trust me, in all the years I've been doing that - I've never gotten past the 1st 15 or 20 pages.....it's like counting sheep to me!